On a dark and cold March Sunday..
Sat a big concrete building that, to a lot of New Yorkers,
holds no specific signifance and for most of them is an unknown
government building likely filled with offices and suits..
I can assure you that it is not.
High up above the slick pavement..
Deep inside this very old concrete and steel tomb,
in between a mass of thick brick walls and broken pipes,
laying on a dusty half-opened mattress that's been shat and pissed
on by thousands upon thousands of people over it's lifetime,
with one scrawny eye fixated on the door, one leatherish hand
cupping a freshly-shaven pair of Turkish balls and a constant stream
of Aspartame infused thoughts and ideas sprawling across his brain..
is doing the trick..
It's a little bit more than your average everyday
prison fuckrie that's passing through my fried brain tonight..
There's actually thirty months worth of mental notes scrawling
across my conscience, each one trying to shout louder than the next
to get my attention and assert that THEY are the most important fact
that i need to remember for tomorrow..
If this wasn't bad enough, each time i hear the jangle of keys or footsteps,
despite it being about three in the morning, i come to the very logical conclusion
that the guard is coming to tell me to get ready for court and in due process,
shoot a thin stream of liquid shit into my already soiled draws..
I COULD act like Billy Big Bollocks.
In fact sometimes i have to..
Today is a little different though as I'm about to get sentenced and considering,
mostly in legal terms but on isolated occasions quite literally, i have been repeatedly
uppercutted in the balls for the last two and a half years of my life..
I'm a little bit worried about what is going to happen.
I'm trying to prepare myself.
I'm also trying to be realistic..
Should i be jumping for joy at the thought of walking into a courtroom filled with
white light and trombones, sounding the end of my struggle with the US. Federal system,
the beginning of common sense and morality and the end of my incarceration?
the next chapter in the Grand Theft Anal series this time staring a
big fucking corporate donkey dick?
In all of my years roaming the earth i have found that there is nothing more
draining then being woke up at six in the morning to be strip searched and
shoved onto a concrete bench, among men that think it's ok to eat 'macarella'
for breakfast and not even fucking OWN a toothbrush, which in turn surrounds
you in a cloud of the nastiest fucking morning breath that's belched out by fifty
something year old clowns that stink of pure shit.
I do not enjoy having to hold my mouth and nostrils first
thing in the morning to stop coffee mixed with stomach
bile and pieces of apple skin from spewing out onto some
next man that probably will wanna shake with me if i do so..
Plus you ain't going nowhere!!
Not for about at LEAST seven hours!!
Shit is crazy!!
REGARDLESS of what time you have court..
You just sit there shifting from one position to the next,
taking it in turns to send each body part to sleep one by one,
at some point you WILL try to pull your shirt over your head
to get some sleep but than in an hour or so you WILL get
EXTREMELY annoyed at not being able to sleep and give up
with the most dramatic 'HMPH' you can muster..
Or at least that's what i do..
Perhaps there's some good point that I'm missing?
They give you an orange and a carton of milk
at some point but what do you think eating an orange
and a carton of milk at the same time does to you?
make a nice cup of coffee, shit out whatever you ate in the morning,
take a nice relaxing shower, check your emails, speak to your friends,
at least doing all that shit puts you in a bit of a better mood and just
think if you had to be shackled and frog-marched into a bull-pen full of
goons and goblins..
When would you rather go?
As i had it in the afternoon i got the chance to have about a billion
well wishes tell me that I'm 'definitely 100 per cent fact going home'
which was encouraging to hear, even from staff members who seem
to have taken a liking to me and genuinely wanted to see me be able to
start my life again..
It definitely put me in a very positive mood that lasted..
About an hour before i went into court?
I heard this song on the radio before getting ready to go down
so anytime i started to feel a little nervous or like i was about to
go and get fucking slayed I'd replay it in my head and it would put
me in a bit of a better mood..
i had hoped that as today is such a significant day for ONE of us
that they could be put to the side.
That in my hour of need i might be shown a little bit of compassion..
That a job might actually be done..
But like so many other instances in life..
things going through my mind was how fucking cold it was
and the view out the windows..
BIG ass-fucking windows..
To anyone who may have been there on that day
who saw me sitting there rubbing my hands together shivering,
i should point out that it was due to the COLD and not due to me
being incredibly prang!!
Even if i knew..
I wouldn't be able tell you how high up i was or what floor i was on..
But TRUST me..
The view was fucking crazy!!
A big-ass white sky lined with all the types of buildings and bridges
that would make a mother-fucker fly from South London to New York City..
THAT'S what i saw..
Reminded me EXACTLY why i got on that plane in the first place..
Was a little sad to look down though,
eyeballing my blue dirty slip-on negotiator shoes,
the rolling up bottoms of my court-issued clothes
and seeing all the people sitting in the court room
all there to witness me getting sentenced to an
asshole full of time.
If i hadn't said it before..
I'll say it now.
This is not what i came to the United States for..
to witness what was about to happen where wondering why i had my
head turned at such a stupid angle and was staring out the window
Maybe they thought i was gonna do a running jump out the motherfucker..
I didn't expect them to understand.
I don't blame them..
Looking out that big-ass window at the city was just another day
in the office for them and something they see every day of their lives.
Me on the other day..
Well that's not quite true..
I get to see lots of brown jumpsuits, horrific knife wounds to the face,
less-than mediocre females who are purely gassed-up from being around
thirst-Mgirst dudes all fucking day long..
I see white walls with boogers hanging off them, shitty toilet seats,
pimples, rashes, mice, water bugs, trays of pure slop, dandruff..
I also got to see the front of the courthouse on Pearl Street.
For many..many years..
when i was having a lot of difficult adjusting to life and how it
had panned out for me.
everyone around me to see, i wasn't seeing, or believing,
much of my energy was spent fighting and trying to prove
that everyone else was wrong and that i was right..
Sometime's it is hard to give up that fight, especially when you don't like
what life is showing you, it's hard to admit defeat and accept a reality that
is not what you had hoped it would be but in the long run, the sooner you do,
the easier it will be to move on with your life..
I really tried my best.
That's all that counts in the bigger picture..
I played my hand.
Of course it's disappointing that after all the effort and energy
i have put in over the past 30 months fighting my case and trying
to be held responsible for my actions and not the actions of other
individuals who have escaped prosecution..
with restitution of two hundred and sixty thousand dollars plus a million dollar fine..
I am now sitting in Brooklyn's MDC prison and have been here since Thursday and
for the time being i am in the medical facility awaiting transition into general population.
When my security assessment has been completed i will be designated to a final prison to
finish the remaining time i have left which with good behavior is just over a year..
How the FUCK..
how the fuck would YOU feel!?