Sunday, 30 September 2012

Masterplan

I've been having a lot of difficulty recently
staying focussed, getting everything done that i need to get done,
an not freak the FUCK out..

Coping with everything in a calm
and productive manner..

Has not been easy.

It ain't been helped by me spending my waking hours daydreaming
about the outside world and what the fuck i could be doing with
my life right now..

:/

Real talk..

Regurgitating my grievances with life in the form of this
piece of Saturday night scribbling is not going to improve
anything about my predicament OR put me in a better mood.

So i'll spare the details of why
i'm pissed for a later date..

It makes sense to..


It's best to avoid thinking about life's problems for too long
or concentrating on a situation that you don't like for lengthy
periods of time..

It doesn't do you any good!!

Think about it..

If you concentrate on something depressing..

Not on fixing it or what remedies are available to you..

Just fixating on the shitty circumstances
you are currently swirling in..

How do you think it is going to make you feel?

I might have used this scatty metaphor before..

But im'a scrape it out again..

It's like staring at a piece of dog shit
that has been curled onto your living room floor.

:/

The smell..

The sight of the turd sitting there..

Just straight eye balling the shit
is only going to make you feel like sick right?

Concentrating on something rather shitty just reminds
you of how shitty it is.

Instead you can actually get up
and do something about it..

Or alternatively..

Look at something else..

So sticking to that plan of action..

Let's see what happens..


-I woke up this morning. Always a good look.

-After rolling out of bed to get my breakfast,


Some dude who by all accounts is incredibly annoying,
suprised them SHIT out of me by knocking on my door
and giving me a bowl of apples that he'd succesfully wrestled
for in the Infamous 'Seconds Line' and after close inspection,
nothing grim or foul had been done to them..


-For lunch they frisbee tossed
a bunch of fish in breadcrumbs through the door,
this is EASILY the best meal they feed us in here and
after ingeniusely saving two slices of bread from breakfast,
I made me a fucking BIBLICAL mustard and fish sandwhich..


-There is a seriously horrifically violent coffee drought at the moment,
i went to the lengths of purchasing a bag for a fucking BOOK of stamps LAST
Sunday and as it ran out two days later i've been trying to go cold turkey..

However..


I was blessed with half a cup to drink with my
piece of cornbread!!

-A heavily pregnant individual (i know who the father is)
has owed me a bag of cereal for almost THREE weeks now,
despite me paying him in advance.

I'm not happy about this.

He put some water on the flames earlier though
by busting me a whole trash can full of apples..


But no cereal..

-As like any day in here,
I had the opportunity to feed into a very pointless and
idiotic debate regarding somebody's opinion that being Turkish
is the same as being white and that all white men have small penis'
and any white man that hasn't got a small penis "Had augmentation"..

After a good twenty minutes of me being the sole melanin-lacking
participant in a majoritally black debate i threw in the towel without
any need for transferring verbal communication to physical..

Which is ALWAYS a result in here..

-After hearing me complaining for absolutely
no valid reason that i was hungry and had jack shit
in my box other than soap and hygene products,


One of my freinds gave me a bowl of Cinnamon toast Crunch.

Which i remixed into APPLE Cinnamon toast Crunch..

-The evenings feed troth was stacked with Chicken patties,
another one of the more palatable collections of dust, cling-ons
and dustbin-lifted concoctions i am currently using to keep
on keeping on..

-At one point my mood started to take a turn for the worse..

The clouds began to form..

Images of a pure skin an bones Timothy with long hair,
some next ZZ-top beard and over grown fingernails,
sitting in the corner of a jail cell rocking back and forth
began to creep it's way back onto my conscious..

Thankfully for me..


A dude who i have been working out with recently came to get me,
and a shitload of pushups, dips, squats, NO weights as we're not allowed,
added with a load of random conversations about the bars we used to
frequent back in Brooklyn..


I felt a lot better.

-My modest accumulation of sweat
got a good cleaning in some hot water,
something not always guaranteed when you
stand under the silver nozzle..

-To finish my healthy evening,
i peeled a shitload of apples, obviously not with a knife,
chopped them into little chunks and after dashing a packet
or two of sweetener on the little pieces..

Added my secret ingredient..

That's my fruit salad.

You should try it!!

I like it.

-Earlier today i was blessed to get a bit of mail,
like most things in my life right now it doesn't always
work the way it should and although i was blessed to
get a copy of "The Filth' comies series it did not come
with any kind of identification material so whoever was
the nice individual who sent me it, thankyou, i really
appreciate the gesture and it's a really dope comic!!

I read it while laying in bed.

Drinking a cup of jailhouse tea.

:)



You see..

When i put a little effort into concentrating on my day..

I remember..

Life isn't so bad.

It could always be worse..

Friday, 28 September 2012

I'm thinking about KFC in Croydon

There is a rather peculiar Chinese gentleman who
keeps walking back an forth past my door..

He keeps looking in..

Then when i make frowned eye contact..

Spins off in the other direction..

:/

Ordinarily i would go over to the
door an ask homeboy what's good..

But this dude is clearly just bored.

Hence the pacing.

By the way..

I'm fasting today.

An it's about..

Six twenty six in the evening.

Time is passing pretty well today!!

:)


Something i would do well to remember
is that nobody owes me anything in this life.

Not my parents..

Extended family..

Freinds...

No matter WHO it is and what relation
to me they might be..

They don't owe me jack shit.

What i might have done for them,
completely irrelevant.

Thinking this was helps me become more self sufficient,
and in turn aids me to take responsibility for every aspect
of my life and the directions that it has taken over the years.

It eliminates the practice of blaming people for your own
quality of life and rids you of excuses for why you are not
moving forward to a better standard of living.

Most importantly it gives me the ability
to act and behave exactly how i want to without any
external circumstances having an effect on my choices
or behaviour.

When relying on or expecting a certain reaction from
an external source then there will always be the underlying
possibility for disapointment.

I don't think there is any admirable qualities
about living a life full of suffering.

There is no one who is going to pat you on the back
or give you some kind of prize at the end of the road
for all the accumulated years of suffering you experienced
in this life..

So if possible it makes sense to avoid it.

Dont get it fucked up though..

Despite this piece of writing being primarily fueled by an incidient
concerning a bowl of food being cooked for an individual who did
not acknowledge the act or show any kind of appreciation..

I didn't really set out to just talk a load of shit,
freestyling based loosely around an accumulation of poor vocabulary skills
and a bunch of skim-read self help books and Buddhism philosophies..

Even thought at this point that seems to be exactly what i've done.

My intentions were to get the point across,
that as an adult it really does not do us any good to be in a position
where we expect anything from people and subsequently letting another
persons reactions to a situation effect your state of mind and how you
go on to behave in the company of others..

Just so what you like to do.

Whatever comes naturally to you and you enjoy to do,
go ahead and do it without having any worries about what
people will say or how they will react..

Sometimes i can do this..

Other times..

Like right now for instance..

You've caught me slipping.

Thursday, 27 September 2012

that stingray bodied that n****r



The weather is changing,
evenings and mornings are starting
to get a little chilly up in here..

To combat this i just made a cup of tea.

:)

It's late in the evening.

Not late enough for us to be locked in,
but just about late enough for me to start
feeling tired and depleted of energy..

And patience.


Earlier today i was feeling good!!

There was one point of the day,
i'd just finished a good workout with a Spanish
dude that used to live in my neck of the woods,
an after parting ways i jumped into the shower
to wash my clothes..

All i could think of was how i only
have a few months to go 'til i'm out this place..

Whether that's home..

(That would really. Really be nice.)

Or another facility..

(............)

At least i will be leaving THIS place..

Getting away from the same old negative,
exhausting attitudes and behaviour that i gotta
put up with day-in day-out..

:/

Just a bit more to go..

I CAN deal with it..


Exactly.

(No problemo)


As the hours pass and the daily interactions start to build
on top of each other..

One individual after the next..

Asking me my opinion on the same thing they asked me yesterday..

Only to completely ignore and disregard everything i have told them..

"Yeah but.."

:(

It's very tiring..

Even someone that has actually been the CAUSE of a lot of my
recent grievances offering me some food, some GOOD food,
hasn't really done anything at all to improve
my shitty mood..

Perhaps i'm just being ungrateful.

Nothing particularly bad has happened today..

No one has actually SUPRISED me with their behaviour..

Infact..

Quite a few GOOD things have happened!!

A couple freinds sent me some bread so
i can get me some coffee and oatmeal next week..

Almost have enough for a pair of sneakers too!!

My toe pokes out the right joint i'm flossing at the moment.

It'd definitely be cool if i can pick up a new pair.

Then i won't have to look like a tramp anymore.


I might still look like a tramp in the face..

But there ain't nothin' i can do about that for now..

:(

I also heard a few people recieved the letters
and sketches i'd put in the mail..

Which is always a result!!

I got my haircut yesterday..

Chopped off my beard..

So i'm at the least looking a little fresh,
got some important things coming up this week,
or at least last i heard i had them coming up..

I'm not sure why my mood is so foul at the moment.

Perhaps i should start eating meals in the evening?

That might also be a good look..


On a real tip..

I'm feeling myself growing distant from certain people in
my immediate surroundings.

I don't actually see it as a bad thing though..

I see it as me having a better understanding on
the nature of particular relationships i have with people,
whether they are healthy and positive..

And if not..

Understanding that i am doing us BOTH a dis-service by
continuing such a symbiotic relationship.

Sadly for me..

In a situation like the one i find myself held in..

You can't just up-sticks an breeze.

:(

But..

I only have a couple of months to go..


Tomorrow i'll fast..

Clean..

Take care of all my affairs..

And pray..

Things will work themselves out..

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

i don't spit!!

I've been spending my Saturday night lying
on my prayer rug staring at the ceiling..


I've got a couple of new pictures up there..

One is from a sunglasses advert in the newspaper..

The other is some hot redhead actress off the telly..

For the record,
they AIN'T up there for some shady
or perved out reasons i just wanted something
to remind me what's out there in the real world..

Sometimes i really don't want to know
what's happening out there.

At the moment..

I do.

:)

Perhaps it's because the wheels are
slowly starting to move..

Who knows..

:/

What i do know..

My Saturday is all but done.

A very helpful gentleman gave me some shit for my ears,


I think im'a whack them in..

Lay on my side..

An stare out the window for a bit.

Hopefully i might see someone walk by..

:/

Fuck this.

I might aswell just go to sleep..

:(

I mean..

I ain't got no one to talk to..

The quicker i go to sleep..

The quicker tomorrow comes..

An then tomorrow i can go about doing my best
to stay occupied..

Stay busy..

Then before you know it..

It's back to the early hours of the morning..

I write something..

Stare out the window..

Get frustrated..

Then go to sleep.


****

I had the sudden urge to tell you about how i'm ACTUALLY
feeling in here, vomitting an endless list of complaints about
my quality of life, picking apart all the minute by minute never
ending cycle of disapointments and frustrations that comes
with being a 27 year old English male locked up in a maximum
security prison in a foreign country and doing the same routine
and looking at the same fucking people for years on end with
no definitive end in sight..


But i think that's my que to go to sleep..

Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Who dat FBI n****r?

About four days ago it was two years
to the day that i got arrested.

....

And put in prison.

...

How's that for an anniversary..

Thinking about this special day and its relevance
on my life, got me thinking back to last year
and what the fuck i was upto..


Out of the blue..

On a crispy Friday afternoon,
just after i'd jumped up to the pullup bar
an busted out a couple of close-gripped
sets of ten..

I found out jus' how vicious
'the man's' scoop game is up in here,
trust me when i say these motherfuckers
dooo nooot plaaay!!

:(

In the space of like..

Half hour..


-No heat..

-No sunlight..

-No hot water..

-No company..

Good times!!


After the inital "why me" period began to wear off,
the stark reality of my new above slowly started to
dawn on me.

Based on the vague information i was given,
things really did not look too good and it
was obvious they were not going to improve for
a hot minute!!

:(

I had little choice but to dig the fuck in
an just deal with the ULTRA BULLSHIT hand
i was workin' with..

I had no definitive idea as to how long this
shittyness was going to last and according
to the few slurped bits of hearsay that splatted
their way to my waxed out ear drums was sprayin'
something about at least three weeks..

There were quite a few complications
and many external factors involved in this
rather tricky situation that made things a lot
more difficult than the average
shmoe's predicament..

It did not look good.

:(

At all..


My inital reaction was to spent most my days
with my arms defiantely tucked inside my neon orange
power ranger suit in a fetal position, attempting to hold
on to any remnant of heat my body was giving out..

Other recreational habits?

-Sleeping.

-Re-reading some evangelical panflet.

-Sipping on dusty polystyrene cups that i
filled with un-dissolved crunchy coffee granules.

-Scuttling through the cold air from my steel bed
to the door to collect my food an get rid of trash.

Eventually..

I found better ways of putting
my waking hours to use..


In certain situations you have to try and get creative,
you are severely limited so using the very few things
that ARE at your disposal, some motherfuckers in here
get REAL experimental, which in turn, manages to help
everyone else out in the vacinity..


I had knowledge but no real hand on experience..

It took me a while to get up to speed and master
certain crafts/tricks of the trade which a motherfucker
would do well to pick up in a situation like this,
especially if you want to make your predicament
a little more comfortable or easier to digest.

Alternatively..

You can just go hard body and sweat it out..

Surviving on the pure basics..

Or..

Like many times in your life..

You can try make a move.


Failed attempts where routinely met with such thunderous mockery
and highly aggressive verbal insulterations by my new neighbours that simply
down to peer pressure ALONE i had to grab my balls an get the hang of
this shit..

FAST!!

It's essential to dodge any kind of situation that might
make you appear to your jailhouse brethren as a herb..

A lame..

A pussy..

These unflattering labels follow you around for most of your bid
and will block you from certain transactions with more reputable sources.

Luckily for me,
i have managed to duck such labels,
but being re-branded as a "pussy ass n****r" is never
a given especially with the influx of new faces,
so you have to always think carefully about how one
chooses his or her reaction to any given predicament.

Considering most of the people that i was around at the time
were of a seriously violent classification and all held some kind
of a reputable namesake for themselves..

It did me well not to come off as a bell end.

Especially considering..

Unbeknowst to them..

I was in there for some next level 'meatball' shit.

:/

One of the good points about being in
that neck of the woods is that you can
get your paws on these bendy plastic
non-stab pens.

If you're using them for sketching,
they cane the SHIT out of your hands!!

At least they did to mine,
as i squeeze the shit out of them (sexual frustration)
but still, they're dope as they have black ink inside!!

Which is a BIG fucking deal in here!!

Most of the pens are blue.

And i don't like drawing in blue.

I like drawing in black.

:)

Anyhow..

After hastily cobbling together the requirement
payment for the tattood up supplier of my black stationary..

A conglomorate of poor crafted letters, arrows and doo dads
spelling out a small childs name..

I proceeded to spend the following few days 
burning through page after page of shitty outlines and
handstyles, accompanied by my feeble/unoriginal imagination
and that small white dusty cup of crunchy cold coffee
i spoke about earlier.

This carried on for about three days..

And things where good..


Sadly like all things in life..

Good or bad..

It did not last,
and my situation and attitude
took a slightly less perky direction..

The details will have to wait for another time.

To cut a long and rather shady story short..

An un-provoked incident occured,
resulting in the confiscation and fecal desecration
of the bollocks i had been spewing into my sketchbook
over the past few days.

An i was not happy about this.

At all..

Not only was there fuck all that i could do about it,
but i had no other choice other than to chew on this shit
sandwhich, swallow the peanutty fact that all of the effort
i had put in over the last few days was needlessly swirling
at the bottom of a toilet.

:(

Slowly i could feel my attitude start to nosedive..

My patience was fizzling and my enthusiasm for
staying positive was getting replaced with a rather
familiar and unhealthy "fuck the world" point of view..

Which history has shown..

Does me no favours..

"Try to see difficult circumstances and happenings as bad-tasting medicine
or learning experiences. Look at the reality of the situation without resistance,
struggle, aversion or avoidance" - Lama Surya Das


Instead of taking someones reactions to a situation
as some kind of expression of their thoughts against you,
which in turn changes your emotional state from positive to negative,
it makes sense to take a step back and simplify the situation you are in.

At the time this all occured last year,
i wasn't yet at the point where i could really
understand the motives that led this individual
to his actions..

I was still at the point where my primary
method of dealing with human interaction was to
simply stare at my task at hand, how it had been made
more difficult by this individual and that it was not right
of them to do this..

I would question how someone could behave in a way
that doesn't take into consideration the other person or
how their behaviour has effected their quality of life..

Now i know a little better.

I understand that when someone does something that happens to upset me,
it's best to look at them as a whole and what led them to think that's ok,
which clearly wasn't me as i don't know them or have spent time with them,
so it makes sense to have patience with an individual when they are
venting at the world..

But like i said..

I wasn't doing that shit back then.

So instead..

I focussed on the basics of the situation.

I had no control over where i was.

The conditions i was under where bad enough,
and they where not going to change anytime soon.

What i DID have control over..

Was how i chose to react.

It goes without saying that i was pissed
about the whole fiasco..

but dwelling on the motherfucker
was not going to make things any better!!

So..


The following day..

I woke up.

After stretching in all kinds of crack-inducing
directions and twisting all my joints in an effort
to shake off a nights sleep on a stained slab of metal..

I busted out some pushups.

Only a few!!

remember..

No shower!!

:(

I chewed up my morning cup of coffee..

Brushed my teeth with a toothbrush so small
you end up rubbing pure flesh and finger bones
against your grill..

Then went about dedicating the rest of my day
to producing an drawing.

Just one.

:)

But i was going to make sure i put
my all into the motherfucker!!

Hours upon hours..

Hacking away..

With the intention of producing
the best work i could.

I tried new ideas..

I attempted new techniques..

Some of them actually worked!!

:D

Most majorly flopped..

:(

But STILL..

I kept at it..

Day after day..

An gradually i started to see some decent results..



After just under a month of clenching my
Turkish fingers around a bendable pen that
had the uncanny ability to stop working every
five seconds until i smashed it against an
unspoken surface,

I not only built up some NEEEXT henched-out wrist,
giving anyone i came into close contact the FALSE
impression that i had spent my time in pure masterbation,

But by the time i shuffled my stinkin' asshole out
that motherfucker flossin' cuff an a HENCH beard..

I had a WHOLE fucking folder full of sketches.

GOOD ones too..

:D


Looking back on that rather turbulent three and a half weeks..

I can now fully understand how important it is to change
my perspective on a situation in order to deal with in more
healthily.

To be honest when you look at life in the right way,
there's nothing to actually 'deal' with..

It would be a fair comment to say that
life for Timothy Ozer Guvercin doesn't quite
work out how i'd like it to.

FAR from it..


But it's ok though..

Perhaps if it DID..

An i got everything that i want..

I wouldn't ever learn anything.

An it's also a fair comment to say the
majority of things that i think i want..

Are not good for me.


At all.

:/

But we live and learn..

It takes me a while, months, sometimes even years,
but eventually due to the events that materialise in
my life i am finding ways of looking at lifes trying
situations and actually learning from them.

The most simple way or easiest way of dealing with problems,
is to make every situation a simple set of information with no
personal properties attached to it.

The fact that it is happening to me is besides the point.

This takes emotion out of the situation..

Anyway..


I was lucky enough to get a visit today.

An old freind from England was in town,
and was kind enough to take the time to
come see me for an hour an a half.

I tried to blag it the whole
three hours but didn't manage
to pull it off..

But still..

It was really nice to see him,
we talked about a lot of things.

Mostly how the fuck i came to be here..

But also life in general and what is going to be
happening to me over the next six months.

.....

Obviously it's a TAD bit daunting situation,
sitting around waiting for someone to pass
judgement on your life on such a vast and
completely unpredictable scale..

:/

But as i told him..

(and i keep telling myself to stay calm)

I'm just glad to be moving on..

Before i forget..

Thanks for the snacks.

:)

I know i gave the snickers bar away,
to a dude that is named after a mouldy dairy product,
but it was ultra melted an i'm sure he appreciated
it more than the rubbish bin would've..

Well..

No.

He Didn't.

But that's not the point..

Monday, 24 September 2012

I'm venting.


It's easy to let issues hold you back in life.

There's always something to pull out of the back
of excuses we all carry around with is.

Whether it's something from your past,
present or future, anything can be used as
reasoning for a lack of motivation or
stagnation in one's path through life.

We even steal other people's excuses for
our own lack of progress or feelings of deep
inadequecy of where we are and what we're
doing in life, our 'achievements', how happy
we are and how we then proceed to treat
the people around us each day..

"this person did this"

"i can't because of"

"Yeah but"

Instead of taking a risk,
putting yourself out there and attempting
something that could quite possibly result
in public failure or ridicule, it's always easier,
safer and more comfortable to just stick to
what's familiar and in your immediate
comfort zone..

The problem is..

You know you deserve better.

Life is not about comfort or familiarity,
if it was, you'd live your whole life at your
parents yard getting waiting on hand
and food, eating nice munch and generally
doing fuck all..

But you don't..

As i squint at a dusty sprinkler that's hanging
in the middle of this dark room, i think back to
my life in the town and how i felt on a day to day
basis compared to how i think and feel now..

A lot of the excuses i employed in the street
and my reasoning for a lot of my accomplishments,
hopes and dreams that never came to fruition..

Looking back..

Most of them where pure bullshit.

In the cold light of my jail cell,
it's easy to see through most of my lifes pointless
cycles of inability, stagnation, the reasons that stopped
i LET stop me achieving that simple goal that is shared
by billions of people across the planet..

Which is simply to lead a happy life.

We all have our own thoughts and ideas concerning what
will actually propel us to this goal..

Which is a beautiful thing.

Variety.

:)

But overall this is a goal that everybody deserves,
some of us have already achieved it and are leading
an existence that is envied by many..

I'm not one of them.

But i think i might be finally heading in the right direction?

Personally i don't think that money or status will get me there,
i'm sure the majority of happy people in this world are actually
living on a very modest budget and are not in the limelight,
i think it's down to your viewpoint on life and an understanding
of your own existence.

As i sit here in the dark,
blinking profusely, using my tired eyes to
scan the room trying to find an object that
describing might pad this piece of writing out
a little..

I'm thinking about the people outside..

In a world of opportunities..

Who are not happy and are letting themselves go
through their time on this earth being told or directed,
by a meaningless array of excuses and reasons,
not to persure the life that they deserve.

If you have an itching feeling that something isn't right
in your life, that you are stuck in a dead end job, relationship, if you
are unhappy about where you are living or the people who you are
surrounded by on a daily basis..

Well..

You owe it to yourself to do something about it.

Look for a new job.

Enroll in University/college.

Go to somewhere new.

Meet some new people.

Life is very short..

And only a crazy person repeats
the same behaviour expecting different results..

On that note..

I'm brushing my teeth an going to bed.

I've been up since 6am and i'm very tired..


Friday, 21 September 2012

Friday

I'm trying to burn a couple hours before i go workout.

Standing in the middle of the floor with a puzzled look
splashed across my mug, i clock a familiar face catching at a
dimly lit table.

Problem.

I'm not cool with the other heads he's cotching with.

Which can easily turn into a bigger problem.

"Yo you mind if i join you?"

A Deep collective grunt is released into the air,
so i slump into the seat next to the wall an recline..

"Wanna do some Bible studies with us?"

Now..

I'm not a Christian.

Nor do i follow any particular organised religion.

But i'm also not an asshole.

Well..

I'm less of an asshole than i used to be.

So not wanting to offend,
i agree an kick back..


They proceed to take it in turns to read different sections of the book,
then do a little recap on what the fuck just happened and their own personal
interpretations of the text..

Quite a few members of the group had a bit of difficulties reading
and kept asking me for help pronouncing shit, which i didn't mind,
plus after a little bit of re-assurance and a couple positive words,
confidence in reading picked up an the problems seem to disapear.

It's amusing that they made the mistake of linking my Brittish
upbringing with being intelligent.

:D

Common mistake!!

One i'm used to by now.

It's been almost four bloody years i've been on American soil and it never
ceases to amaze me how many people assume Brits are clever.

Oh and they think we all have fucked up grills.


Funnily enough..

Every person that has told me this has had some next piano dentist grill
or a mouth full of tramped out fillings..

Amazing..

ANYway..

I found this whole discussion part very interesting,
hearing each persons interpretation and vews on their own
spirituality and mortality.

I kept quiet for the majority of this period.

There where a handful of times when i had to fight the urge to
spew out an endliss list of contradictions i thought i saw in the text..

BUT no..

I kept quiet.

As i SHOULD..

Years ago this would not have been possible.

My big brother gave me some advice early on into my incarceration,
which i use often and saves me a lot of grief and problems concerning
my voicing my opinions on certain subjects..

"Not everything needs to be addressed my n****r"

Wise words..



Things did take eventually take a turn for the worse.

For once it wasn't my fault either.

:D

One individual took it upon himself to start ultra aggressively
picking on the other members of the group, whenever their view point
differed or clashed with his own..

He seemed to have a particular taste for the timid, quiet,
less threatening members of the group.

This part..

I did not like so much.

:/

At one point i was attempting to explain my view on a certain subject..

How i don't see the point in worrying about things that are out of my hands,
if it's in my hands it's under control, if it's not then there's nothing i can do about it,
making worrying a completely fruitless exercise..

An this young Jam-rock kid said he agreed with this idea.

Which..

Sadly for him..

Resulted in him being pelted with all kinds of verbal horseshit
from this dude for about fifteen minutes straight.

Shit was LOOOOONG!!

It was fucking exhausting just being at the table.

This dude did EVERYTHING possible to humiliate and ridicule the kid!!

Shit was bugged out!!

"How the FUCK you gonna side with this cracker (safe for that) when i see you
fuckin' cryin' like a lil BITCH, whinin' bout your punk-ass girlfreind, thas BULL shit my n****r!!"

The young kid calmly explained that yes,
he does get sad, but uses his faith to overcome it,
he prays and his worries are momentarily
taken away from him.

His explanation did nowt in soothing the moody man,
who just proceeded to, in a rather sophisticated and educated fashion,
as one might imagine a professor or some kind of scholar might act,
folded his arms, pouted his lips and stared at the ceiling tapping
his foot on the floor.

Loudly.

Then before Jamaica could finish..

Grabbed his bible and stomped off to his cell.

The act was finished with a tremendously child-like slamming
of his cell door behind him.

Ironically.

It was HIS Bible studies group.

:/


Overall?

The session was pretty good.

It had it's ups and downs,
but i enjoyed sitting and talking with the group.

Quite a few of them gave the impression that their faith helped
them be better people and gave their life some kind of direction.

I liked this a lot.

It showed the exact point of the Bible and other religious texts..

At least how i see them anyway..

Helping people better themselves.

I don't see them as books of *actual* events that you take *literally*,
all the mircales and laser beams and all that stuff i don't take too seriously,
instead i see them as collections of metaphorical lessons that can help you
live a more peaceful, compassionate existence on this planet.

Which can only be a good thing.

If taken that way.

Oh before i forget!!

That bit in the Bible that talks about a spaceship is DEEP!!

Don't beleive me?

Find out for yourself..

Ezekiel 1.1 - 7.27 
'First vision of God'


"As we begin to identify the factors that lead to a happier life, we will learn
how the search for happiness offers the benefits not only for the individual but
for the individuals family and for society at large as well" - HH Dalai Lama

Thursday, 20 September 2012

**PLEASE REPOST**


On August 16th 2012
Timothy Ozer Guvercin (that would be me) plead guilty
to one count of conspiracy to commit bank fraud
and one count of aggravated identity theft.

Under the Federal sentencing guidelines,
that leaves me with a 'recommended guideline range'
of 37-41 months plus a mandatory two years for the
aggravated identity theft charge.

I should be getting sentenced in the next 90 days or so,
and am now in the process of collecting character references.

I could be sentenced to anywhere between time served and
seven years so character references will play a BIG part in
whatever sentence i am given.

If you are a friend of mine, someone i have spent time with
or you have simply been following my story over the past two
years and found something positive or inspiring in my words,
please, it would mean the world to me if you took the time to
write a letter to the address below,

saying a little bit about yourself, what type of person you think i am
and why further incarceration for me is not necessary.

I'm getting sentenced around November so you
have up until the beginning of November to send them in..

Each and every letter will make a difference,
and i want you to know your support and prayers
are more than appreciated!!

Timothy Ozer Guvercin

x

The Honorable Judge Sweet
500 Pearl Street
New York, NY
10007
USA

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

aint no thing

My brother is trying to sleep..

so i turned the light out.

I'm out of coffee..

For now i'm gonna have to make do with jailhouse tea!

:)

It ain't TOO bad..

Just make sure you use about a billion tea bags
an let it sit for a while before you drink it..

It's pirched on the corner of my bed,
on top of a load of books.

There's a nice stream of steam rising
off it..

I'm gonna let it sit for a while..


Not only am i on my knuckles at the moment..

But we ain't been to the store in..

Like..


:D

Anyways..

This is my explanation for why
i'm currently eating a plastic packet
of peanut butter..

On its own..

Raw dog.

:/

I'm hungry!!

Plus i been eatin' WAY too much bread an bullshit recently..

Not good AT ALL..

:(

Gave my bird away earlier too!!

Not even sure why..

I'm not fasting..

I didn't put it on the market..

:/

Oh yeah!!


I don't particularly car for the jailhouse bird..


It's half the size of what it used to be..

Unless i got all my potions an lotions to remix
the shit out of it..

I ain't too bothered.

Everyone else be fuckin' FIENDIN' for the bird!!

Real talk!!


Early today..

For undisclosed reasons..

My boy had to put his bird on the market.

Hard times.

Considering i didn't have jack shit to jazz mine up with,
i decided to give him my piece instead.


Why not.

:D

I KNOW he'll enjoy it more than me..

Will he appreciate the gesture??

:/

That's not the point..

Watching him stuff the whole piece of bird into his mouth..

Thrashing his head from side to side like..

Heavily breathing..

Shaking the bird from left to right..

Splattering grease, grissle
and blood onto the wall and ceiling..

Spitting bones and cartilidge high up into the air..

An finally..

Watching the mamed lump of bone matter
fly through the air an splat in the middle of the floor
with such a biblically collosal force that all the surrounding
ogres an putrid shit breathed toilet goblins panic,
running in every direction looking for cover..


I'm good.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

It's Monique!!

FUCK man..

They had me all tarted up in my suit..


haircut.

Beard nicely trimmed.

Identification in hand.


Then deaded me.

Fucking BATE!!


Outside my door..

There's a bunch of burly morons playing
some boardgame called 'Risk'..

Next to them..

The Poker Table.

:D

There USED to be a Domino table.

But they was wayy too loud!!

Kept blowin' up 'da' spot!!

So motherfuckers got broke the fuck OFF!!

WORD!!

.....

My headache is just about subsiding.

Spent the last hour laying on my side,
squeezing my arm while watchin' my veins gradually
get bigger an bigger under my sleeves..

Yep.

Real productive day today.

They got Transformers on the telly?

:/

I'm not really in the mood..

"Champagne WISHES!!!"

:/

"Thirty white BITCHES!!"

:(

Headaches starting to come back.

Im'a close the door..


Thanks to my wonderful parents,


I been recieving the USA Today paper.

It ain't shit compared to the classy publications we got back home,


But a motherfucker's gotta make do!!

:D

Today's came with a big section on New York Fashion Week..


"That Tyra Banks freak ass?"

Me an a freind flicked through it earlier..

"Nah! It's Monique!"

It's nice to keep up with that's happening in the world..

"SHEEET! Thas a fat, JUICY motherfucker, whoever the fuck that is!!"

I've never been much for fashion..

"Innit!!"

I used to work a couple blocks from Bryan Park though,
back then they used to do some of Fashion week around those ends..

"I'd like to cum in her motherfuckin' face!!"

:/

The company i worked for did a couple of Audio installations
for them one year when i was about..

"You KNOW n****r's is knockin' off that big bitch,
i'd push up on that juicy motherfucker!!"


"That big ol' juicy bitch.."

Monday, 17 September 2012

No worries Mini

I wake up.

Covered in sweat,
an proceed to semi-consciously
stumble my way to the sink..


While splashing cold water onto my face..

I stare into the mirror.

Marveling at my own glorious Turkish reflection..

My face looks thin.

Even with the beard you can tell.

The small fraction of light in the room
is enough to highlight all the side effects..

Good AND bad..

That have taken their toll on my body
over the past two years.

Take note..

Next to no sunlight and fresh air are not a healthy look.

:(

I can notice the weight i have lost..

Muscle definition gained..

I can pick out the worry lines..

Grey hairs..

Parts of me are looking TOO thin..

:/

Never mind..

I'm gonna take a mental note of all this..

As i really need to get some sleep..


Get this.

I was in Russia..

Everything was mad Soviet looking.

Grey concrete burnt-out buildings..

That type'a shit..

I'm running around with this redhead chick
with a scarf on her head..


She's busting a long grey coat.

Anyway..

We're in some deserted building.

I look out the window..

There's some huge military parade going on,
thousands of soldiers lined up marching through
the centre of the town in formation..

At the front of the parade..

The general.


Yep.

Gary Oldman.

At this point i look to the left of me
and see the ginger chick shooting heroin..

:/

I look back to the parade,
the 'general' is holding a suitcase..

Which for some unknown reason..

I know is a Nuclear bomb.


Then out of nowhere..

The girl shoots ME up with a load of dope
an starts to give me a blowjob..

:O

Doors open.

Dream over..


After grabbing a bowl of cereal,
i sit down at an empty table.

Not everyone is up at this hour today..

It's very peaceful..

The morning sunlight is breaking through the bars with ease,
brightly lighting up the jail with golden sunlight, i can feel the
heat on the back of my neck..

It's very soothing..

Perhaps this is a sign that today will be a good day..

:)

I pray..

I eat..

I clean cereal off the table and off my face..

"YOU BETTER GO WASH THAT STINKIN' HAIRY PINK ASSHOLE"

An go jump in the shower..


The pressure of the water,
coupled with the blistering temperature I'm rockin'
out with, is washing away all of last nights bullshit..

I must've soaped up an shampooed about three times..

Gave my teeth a good scrubbin'..

Cleaning myself up somethin' SERious..

:D

After pathetically daubing the insides with a soapy sock,
which is about the 'livest reach' i can do right now,
i throw on some clean clothes..

Apart from my burning headache and serious lack of sleep..

I'm not doing too bad..

I just need a little sleep.

But given the option of having some clean air?

Sleep can wait..

For now at least..


The temperature outside is still nice and hot.

I knock out a couple sets of pull-ups an dips
to get the blood circulating..

Pull up my socks..

Turn up the radio..

An start running..

:)

There is nothing i enjoy more in
my life right now than listening to music
and running, i could literally do this
all motherfucking say long..

After half hour,
i dash my wet t-shirt in someone's face..

Dodge a couple swinging fists and shoeless feet..

An speed up..

:D

At one point this young Jamaican kid started running behind me,
i knew he was behind me as i could hear his box of
chess pieces rattling..

That is..

Until the box split open,
scattering Queens, Pawns, Bishops
and assorted jailhouse Chess pieces
all over the fucking place..

Sad thing is..


Most of them got gobbled up by sneaky sneaksters
who instead of giving them back to Jamrock,
kept them so they can file them down and insert them
into their..

Erm.

Yeh.

He didn't get them back.

:(

Never mind..

I like it when people run behind me..

Or besides me..

They usually do it in an attempt at mockerations or to
make out they can run faster than me..

It gives me a much needed kick in the ass!!

A good five minutes of speed running..

Or however long it takes for them to get tired and quit..

Before i return to my usual pace and keep on keepin' on.

:)

After an hour of running,
i got myself a cup of warm water and put my radio down,
I'd had enough of loud music and simply wanted to enjoy
the moment. I don't get to go up there much and I've had
a lot of stuff on my mind recently that has kept me from
going up there running. Either that or I've let my mood
dictate whether I'll go up there, making up an endless
list of pointless excuses that'll keep me in my cell staring
at the ceiling instead of being outside looking at the sky,
reminding myself that life isn't over..

With my cup in hand i slowly walked around the yard..

Head tilted down..

Breathing in deeply..


The sun is shining brightly today.

As I'm walking I'm thinking about the future
and how much better if will be for me.

I'm thinking about all the good things i have in my life..

My parents..

My loved ones..

The people that have been kind enough to
show me some support through this situation.

Which i am beyond grateful for.

Standing in the middle of the yard,
i take a sip of water and look up at the
bright blue sky above me..