be like when i am released.
I think about what i will look like,
where i will be, the clothes i might be wearing..
An how i will be looking at the world..
outside of the prison but also inside of this place
and it'd be nice to see them again one day..
sometimes when i am alone in my cell i stare at the ceiling
and try to picture how life for me will be..
clothed in some very simple but clean cut garments,
i imagine myself travelling to different places and trying
to meet as many people as i can along the way, whether they
speak the same language as me or not doesn't matter,
an i say this as some of my closest friends in here speak
about five words of English..
I think about travelling a lot.
Whether it's on a train or even on a bike.
I actually HAD a BMX bike back in England,
two of them if i remember correctly, they were pretty bashed up
but the frames were still in relatively good condition but sadly not
good enough to sell as i..by that i mean got someone to..list them
on eBay or some similar bullshit website but got no takers!!
i was in the process of getting a bike..An by that i mean i saw someone
who had a bike and offered to buy it but after he said yes each day i was
so blazed that i pranged myself into thinking knocking on someone's door
to purchase a bicycle was some kind of herculean affair so bunned it off!!
I'd like to get a new bike at some point.
When i leave here i will be doing so without any serious
responsibilities or people to depend on, so i have a pretty
clean slate as far as what i can pursue or do with my time,
having no real responsibilities also gives me the opportunity
to take my life in a direction that before would've seemed
either very far fetched or logistically impossible, so all in all
there are innumerable amounts of things i could and would
like to do when i get out!!
As my sentencing draws closer I've been thinking
about all of this.
I think about my parents..
It goes without saying that this ordeal has not been easy
on my mother and father, an it's been almost four years since I've
seen them or spent any time with them.
Ok when i was first arrested my dad travelled here to see me,
but considering he wasn't allowed in the building and i only got
a glimpse of him from the street below..
I don't QUITE think that counts!!
Last time i saw them i was in Turkey,
considering things didn't quite go to plan after that,
or at least did not go to MY plan, it's important for me
to spend a good amount of time with my parents to let
them know I'm not completely screwed up mentally after
being in here...
By the way if you're reading this..
Doing a little bit of planning for the future,
there's no problem with that, especially if it's actually
planning not just putting together a lovely image of freedom
and having it whirl around in your brain on repeat followed by
some Brady bunch tune and a load of birds landing on your shoulders
on some next Ace Ventura tip..
If i convince myself that when i get out it's going to be heaven
it leads to frustration and actually a lot of anger and animosity
towards my current living space...
An if outside is heaven..
We are so full of fantasies about the past and the future. Often we don't want
to let go of these fantasies because we fear that doing so means giving up on life.
But that's not how it works. In truth, unrealistic expectations tarnish our appreciation
of life and weigh down the buoyancy of the present moment" - Lama Surya Das