Wednesday, 1 August 2012

No i'm not forty you dick

It's about five in the morning..

An I wake to see a huge figure towering over me..

The whole room is pitch black..


This does not look good..

Out of the darkness come a deep..

Silky smooth voice..

Slowly crooning away..

Like a soured up Barry white..

It's only my brother.


It might be five in the morning..

I might be tired as a MOTHER fucker..

But I can't be mad at him.

At least he remembered!!

Later that morning i wake up at about noon.

I feel fresh!!

I got my haircut yesterday

"Oh SHIT!! My n****r Timdog got the birthday shape-up!!"



I did it for ME THOUGH..


According to popular belief..

Because i have a 'sexy boy' coming to visit me.

Fucking retards..

I jump out of bed,
throw on my custom-fit jumpsuit,
comb hair, wash face, brush teeth,
grab my balls and while still cupping them
in my right paw, i go forth,
an embrace the day..

The sun is shining today.

Everybody seems in good spirits!

When mans ask me why i'm smiling,
i tell them it's my birthday.

That seems to make them happy too.

"MY N****R!!"


By the time i've eaten my chicken patty lunch,
all types of people are giving me pounds an slaps on the back.

Which is appreciated!

Apart from when it's with a clenched fist into my spine.

With great force.

C'mon now..

My order from the store comes back,
so i got me a locker full of PURE SHIT.

A couple banana pudding cupcakes..

Gas relief tablets..

Hemorroid ointment..

All the good shit.


First off?

I apply a healthy wad of ointment onto my index finger,
and proceed to smear it around my swollen pink asshole.

Only kidding.

I brewed a HENCH mug of coffee..

Once it's at drinking temperature,
i kick back with a cupcake an take some time out
to chill with my brother.

We talk.


This is my second birthday we've celebrated.

In the same fucking cell..

We talk about all that's transpired in the last year,
It's been very eventful.


(More than you could ever imagine)

We both share our thoughts on it all.

I fart..

He farts..

It's nice.

I bought a shitload of ingredients so our boy could cook us
a meal tonight, before keys turn in the door, chef turns up
right on time to collect his supplies.

I ask him where the FUCK my birthday present is.

He bends over in the doorway..

"be GENTLE motherFUCKER!!"


I'm laying in bed..

Arms folded behind my head..

Occasionally glancing out the window..

It's bright outside.


I'm thinking about my people..

My parents, family, loved ones,
i'm hoping they're enjoying their day and
the sun is shining wherever they are..

I'm hoping that they eat an drink something
nice today and that wherever they might be,
whatever they're doing,
they're enjoying life..

Just as my mid-day ponderations start to teeter on
the brink of murky waters..

An asshole strains.

Fecal dusted gas is released into the air.

An thankfully..

The door is opened.

As i got my boy slaving away on my birthday bullshit,
i wanna do something productive with my spare time,
so i round up a Panamanian and a Spanish dude from..

"I dunno where that n****rs from!! They jus' call that Spanish n****r Bodega"

So yeah..

I find me another Spaniard,
an we go get some money..

Nothing too crazy..

My arm is still ultra fucked up, so we decide to do mostly core exercises, front and side planks, squats, lunges, five sets of all them shits, then these fucking INsane situps where you basically lay on a couple of blocks elevated off the floor,
you're positioned with the blocks on your waist and legs while the top half of you dangles off the structure, while someone holds your legs down you bring the top half of you up so you're in a straight line, reps of 30 or more, backwards situps is the best way i can describe this shit..

The shit was fucking CRAZY..

Me an Panama are trying to outdo each other too,
each time he did it in the other Spanish dude kept shouting,

"marta! MARTA! MAARTAA!!"

Which was making Panama's eyes bulge out his head an
go into fucking FLIP mode..

"That's his girlfreind's name!!"

We finish..

I take a quick shower..

Scrub my clothes..

Throw on an ALMOST cripsy clean t-shirt,
then went an checked my emails.

Sandie, Gabrielle, Alex Batty, Theo, Sykes, Albert, Mum n Dad, Lynne, Zavey,
Revekka and Chad..

Thankyou for your kind emails!!

Much love to you all for the nice messages, really appreciated
hearing from everyone and i hope they had a good day too..

As i was tapping away i heard my name called in the background..

This happens a thousand times a day.

As this call didn't inclued 'dog' or 'white' or 'cracker' or 'boogie'
i knew it came from 'THE MAN' who kindly handed me
some letters and cards.

Gabrielle, Tom, Revekka, Jennifer, John and Maureen..

Your cards and letters where the perfect end to my day
and your words meant more than you can imagine..

Keep an eye out for your postman.


Food is ready..

Me and the chef wait for my brother to
finish making salat before we start eating..

The three of us sit at a table..

Clink our plastic mugs of kool-aid,
ice-water and ginger ale..

We're right next to the card table..

Everyone's talking shit..

Its loud, people are laughing, joking,
the fried rice, mac n cheese and mangool
is gettin' yammed..


Despite me having mad love for my freinds
and brothers in here..

We all agree.


This is the last birthday we'll all be celebrating in here..

"No bullshit my n****r"


Nu bullshit..

It's not past midnight.

My birthday is no more,
i'm now three years away from being thirty,
i've spent ANOTHER born date in Federal prison,
but all in all, i had a very good day today..

Many people outside made the comment to me today,

"You probably won't want to celebrate considering.."


It made me wonder..


Why wouldn't i?

I can either celebrate it and be happy,
or don't and be miserable.

It's that simple.

One of them is going to lead to me being in a good mood,
the other i'm going to be pissed.

Of COURSE things are not ideal!

But take look at life in general..

In one way shape or form,
things can ALWAYS be better..

Better places..

More interesting things to do..


If you spend your life constantly craving something more,
or thinking about people that 'have it better' than you in some way,
you're going to lead a life that's constantly striving and you'll never
actually be happy with what you've got.

Despite being in jail..

Thousands of miles away from anyone i know..


Loved ones..

I DID celebrate my birthday today.

Just like i'm supposed to.


It's over now.

Let's see what tomorrow has in store..

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