Sunday, 22 July 2012

I Stay eatin' apples

Picture this..

I'm sitting cross legged on my bed looking disheveled,
facial hair lookin' scraggly, hair is un-combed an stickin'
up all over the place, i got specks of sleep still around my
eyes an i'm wearin' a rather yellow looking pair of shorts
that were kindly donated to me about twenty two months
ago by a dude known as 'Smelly C' while i was waitin' for
my wife to put bread on my books.

I'm still waiting.

"Inmates' families and friends may send inmates funds through Western Union's Quick Collect Program. All funds sent via Western Union's Quick Collect will be posted to the inmate's account within two to four hours, when those funds are sent between 7:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. EST (seven days per week, including holidays). Funds received after 9:00 pm EST will be posted by 7:00 am EST the following morning. Funds sent to an inmate through the Quick Collect Program may be sent via one of the following ways:

1)    At an agent location with cash: The inmate's family or friends must complete a Quick Collect Form.

To find the nearest agent, they may call 1-800-325-6000 or go to
2)    By phone using a credit/debit card: The inmate's family or friends may simply call 1-800-634-3422 and press option 2.
3)    ONLINE using a credit/debit card: The inmate's family and friends may go to and select "Quick Collect."
For each Western Union Quick Collect transaction, the following information must be provided:

1) Valid Inmate Eight-Digit Register Number (entered with no spaces or dashes) followed immediately by Inmate's Last Name
2) Committed Inmate Full Name entered on Attention Line
3) Code City: FBOP, DC
Please note that the inmate's committed name and eight-digit register number must be entered correctly. If the sender does not provide the correct information, the transaction cannot be completed. The Code City is always FBOP, DC."

whenever you're ready..

I'm gazing out the window at all the lovely New Yorkers
walking below, with a healthy mixty of jealousy, lust and
misplaced, un-waranted animosty..

I'm slowly sippin' on some cold coffee an slippin' little
pieces of some gobshite cake in my mouth..

Listening to this..

The self-induced black clouds of pity and depression are beginning to form over my brain..

The light in the cell is starting to dim..

The whole in the front of my draws is starting to leak out a fleshy tube meat..


I'm gradually starting to not only resemble but actually PERSONIFY
the definition of a pure MUG..

Wouldn't be for the first time in my life either..


Perhaps i should change the radio station..


Straight off the bat,
the bowl of cake gets dashed out the door, the shit flies out my hand
on some next spiderman flex, each piece exploding in a cloud of crumbs,
phenylanine and asboestos as it hits the wall in a pathetically un-aggressive
show of pent-up sexual frustration..

After apologising profusely to the table of angry 'homies' who
were ever so kind in not "checking a n****r" for the "straight violation",
i swept up the cake and sheepishly washed up my bowl..

Headphones went back on an the poormans hype continued..

Time to get back on my bullshit..

Even at the grand old age of twenty six,
i still find it hard to shave without getting mad cuts an shit all
over my neck, leakin' out mad blood, might be down to a lack of patience,
coordination, maturity, intellect, whatever the case may be, after a few
minutes hacking away the job is done.

What else?

-Wash face..

-Take a HENCH dump..

-Put on sneakers,
long socks pulled up to knees (LA),
Triple X size shorts that almost reach my ankles..

-Brush teeth..

-Slick back hair..

-Half close eyes,
stick bottom lip out to the side of my mouth
and tilt head back in a diagonal fashion..

I go grab a couple plastic blocks
and some grips for the bar/pipe..

"Yo let's get this fuckin' money"

"Ho-kay wa-boy!"

I been mad sloutching recently,
today i'm back to concentrating on my form,
gettin' that GOOD money..

For the pushups i got one block under my feet so i'm slightly raised,
the other two are shoulder width apart and are for my hands, being raised
and having your arms apart means when you go down you are closer to the floor,
which i'm pretty sure is good for your chest and under your arms.

I only do ten to fifteen a set as i'm trying to concentrate on going all the way down
til my chest touches the floor, then all the way back up until my arms lock out,
people tell me the locking out shit is bad but other say it isn't, everyone is an expert
in talking pure shit in here so if it works stick to it, for me this works,
i'm also trying to concentrate on tensing my core and getting my composure down,
if i do more than fifteen or twenty in a set, after the first ten sets i'll start to get
really sloppy an not do it properly..


One hour later and the following has been achieved..

-Fifteen sets of fifteen pushups

-Fifteen sets of eight pullups

-Fifteen sets of thirty to fourty dips

An most importantly..

-At LEAST twenty minutes spent pacing back an forth like a peacock,
nodding, occasionally spitting a bar or two while pretending to bus' shots
from an imaginery strap comprised mostly of my right index finger,
each time any reference to prison, the Feds or illicit activity is mentioned
on the radio accompanied by all the 'homies' barkin' mad loud like dogs..

Fun Times..

Anyways, no time to waste,
gotta keep it pushin', the clock is tickin' an i got some shit
i still need to knock out before lockdown..

Quickly jump in the shower,
scrub socks, shorts an draws, rinse,
wash hair, scrub body, rinse, brush teeth,
wring water out my clothes, get dressed..

Run back to room,
hang up clothes on chair, put on deodorant,
cocoa butterm slick back hair, pull on figure-hugging
3/4 length long sleeve (to front of course), grab my bowl
of apples an head to the kitchen..

I got REAL fly with this whole 'fruit salad' shit that i been freakin' recently..

-Three apples in a bowl,cover them in ice and let it sit for some time,
go talk some shitm check your emails or even knock
one out while your roomie is watching Des Control..

This show is fucking deep by the way..

-Wash your hands

-Either borrow something sharp,
or if people are being dicks an ain't givin' it up,
take a spoon and peal the skin of all the apples an place
the apples back in the bowl of ice, place skins in a
seperate bowl

-After a couple minutes,
chop up the apples into little pieces and place them
in a seperate bowl also.

-If you got one,
squeeze half a grapefruit over both bowls of chunks
and apple peels.

-Evenly shake two packets of fruit punch flavoured jailhouse kool-aid
and one packet of sweetener on apple chunks, same shit with the bowl of peels.

-Pour some of the water from the ice bowl onto each mix,
stir both bowls til the kool-aid has made the shit 'soo-woo' red.


-Find somewhere quiet and go enjoy your trampy fruit salad in solitude..

Usually around this time,
testosterone starts to diminish and
i return back to my room..

My bottom lip shifts from the side of my mouth to the front..

Eyebrows tighten into a frown..

My head tilts down til my chin touches my chest..

Arms defiantely fold and shoulders arch up..

Top lip raises to show front teeth and as a deep grumble is heard,
my draws start to shake as a flesh-like snake slowly makes its way out its crusty cave
and onto the window, squidging its purple face against the glass, drooling profusely,
until i coax it back by squeezing its hair eggs til the motherfucker spews.

8====> - - - -

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