Saturday, 23 April 2011

soup an crackers

It's late.
 I'm sitting crossed legged on my bed, staring out the window..

 I took a shower before we got locked down for the night.
The water was very hot, and the pressure was high as left
me feeling relaxed and relieved a lot of the stress that was on my mind..
 You can't buy sponges or anything to actually clean yourself with in here,
so i took it upon myself to cut a chunk out of the foam they use to buff
the wax off the floor with, and fashion it into some kind of crude body
scrubbing tool..
 I think i took a layer of my skin off with it, but FUCK do i feel clean!
I'd put money on the fact that my cock an balls are the cleanest up in this
motherfucker right now..

 My hair is pretty short.
I got it cut about a week ago, people assume i have a visit or something, which
i don't, i just do it for my self esteem..I like to look good :) My beard is getting pretty
hench though, i might have to lop it off tomorrow, depending on how bored i am..

 The weather outside is really nice.
It's raining. Bigtime.

 I can just make out the thunder crashing down outside..
The rain is battering the pavement like there's no tomorrow,
and the wind is moulding the falling dropelts of rain into all manner
of shapes and patters as it hits the sidewalk..

 The last night i was free it rained just like this.

..I was making my way home from a night out with a freind in Williamsburg,
as soon as i got out of the G train subway station, the heavens opened..

At the time i was flossing a recently purchased New Era dome, so decided
to wrap that up in my jacket and take the full force of the downpour on my bonce..

..I remember every part of that journey back to my old apartment like it was yesterday..

 The streets were completely empty, and deathly silent.

Looking back,
it was almost like i was aware something wasn't quite right.
 Considering how much i had lost the plot though,
if someone would have told me what was going to transpire in the next
24 hours, i most likely wouldn't have believed them anyway..

 I remember by the time i got back to my yard,
i was completely drenched.
 After peeling my soaking wet clothes off and neatly hanging
them in the shower to dry off, i put some vegetable soup on the
cooker to make myself grub to warm me up..
 The wife was already conked out asleep on the futton. Upon hearing
her husbands arrival and attempts to warm up my poor mans dinner,
she remembered that she was pissed off that i had chosen to go out
instead of staying in and getting high..Bless..

 A couple minutes of negative banter later,
and my soup was ready for consumption..
 I sat down with my vegetable soup and plate of crackers, watched about half
an hour of the shady copy of Desperado i had downloaded earlier that day,
and consumed my last meal as a free man..

..I don't think the coffee and donuts i was given while
being interogated the next day counts..

..Ever since that day, September 19th 2010,
i have been here. The same building, same view,
same pathetic pointless pergatorious 'existence', if you
could call it that.
 It sucks.

 Various inmates keep giving me the same advice,
"all you need to do is maintain Timmyboy, live, survive,
and you will come out of this into a life better than anything
you've ever known"
 It's a good sale, i've give em that much :)
Somedays i belive them.
 Others, i find it harder to swallow..

 Despite not seeing her since the day of my arrest,
and not hearing from her directly since October, my thoughts
still wander to my 'wife' and my marriage..
 I NOW know that you can't change people.
I know that she never could have been the partner i was looking for.
 I knew her past, what she was used to and what type of person she was..
..But i took a chance. I went with my emotions instead of my intellect..I looked
for the best in her and ignored the rest. I thought i was right,
and everyone else was wrong...

..Despite now knowing all of this,
i still feel a lot of pain. Being ripped apart from someone
i loved that much, has been more than traumatising for me.
 Her behaviour since then, no matter how cowardly, somehow has
had little effect on me.
 I acknowledge that she clearly wasn't the person that i thought i was marrying.
I am aware that she doesn't hold the same values as me on life, love and marriage.
 But i still somehow have trouble giving up that spark of hope and faith in her that kept
me with the broad thoughout all the bullshit...

 Before i sleep each night, i pray.
I pray that i get another chance. I was handed the world and everything i had ever wanted,
but my hands were dirty and i dropped it. I pray that i am given a second chance, i won't fumble
the ball this time, i'll take it and run with it, never forgetting what can happen when you start slipping..
 I pray for wisdom and strength to get me through this nightmare in one piece.
I pray for peace of mind and serenity on the things that are out of my control and that i can't change.

i pray for her.
I pray that she is surrounded by positive people, that she is leading a healthy,
happy lifestyle and that someday she will acknowledge that her treatment of me,
our marriage and the value of my life,
was wrong.

..I guess only time will tell..

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