i seem to have developed some very strange,
possibly unhealthy habits.
One of these being making obnoxiously strong, large cups of coffee before we get
locked in for the night, and staying up as late as possible..
..It's got to the point that i look forward to it all day.
inhaling biblical amounts of caffeine then purposely
starving my brain of sleep, leaves me feeling pretty
bugged the fuck out..
It's like i'm half awake, in a very calm, dreamlike state..
When i do this, my predicament does not seem so scary.
My goals appear much less distant and unreachable..
Things just don't seem so bad.
My regrets evaporate.
Negative thoughts are effortlessly brushed aside,
and the pain i carry around on my shoulders is momentarily lifted..
..I feel almost numb. In a good way :)
Some things are harder to shake than others..
When i think about my marriage,
what it meant to me and the exciting future i had imagined
for the two of us,
travelling the world, experiencing everything this life has to offer together,
different adventures in different countries,
and eventually starting a family together,
all of the progress i think i have made in the last few months
instantly falls apart,
i am back to square one, and it's time to start from scratch.
Is it better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all?
Sometimes i feel asif it was all a dream.
The places i passed through, the situations i got myself into,
emotions i shared, impressions i left along the way..did it all actually happen?
The fact that i'm sitting in this shithole, stuck in pergatory,
If i was given the choice to wake up at the beginning of 2009, before i got on the plane to New York City,
and all of this had simply been a dream,
instead of being in my current situation, one foot in the fucking grave,
recollecting memories that bring me great happyness and fullfilment,
but also great sadness, heartache and pain,
would i take it all back?
..I'm also unsure.
What i am certain of, is i need help.
I need help letting go of the emotions i am somehow still holding on to,
i need help cutting all attachments to this idea that the person i married had the capability or any intentions
of being there for me, or had/has any idea of what the actual concept of love marriage and commitment is all
I need to move forward.
I've been reading a lot of books since my arrest. I read a really interesting book about buddhism and the Dhali Llama
not too long ago. A very dear freind of mine was kind enough to send me some more books by David Icke,
and while flicking through one earlier this evening i came across something that really spoke to me,
and perhaps gave me a bit of clarity..
"True love does not always give the reciever what it would like to recieve,
but it will always give that which is best for it. So welcome everything you recieve
whether you like it or not. Ponder on anything you do not like and see if you can see
why it was necessary. Acceptance will then be much easier."