Sunday, 13 February 2011
Despite my clearly eutopian, picturesque descriptions..my surroundings are not quite up to
the five star, creme de la creme luxurious standards that were promised in the glamarous
brochure, that was slapped in my face upon my arrival..
Far from it.
There is no pool..the booze is watered down..and the maid still hasn't turned up to clean our room.
I feel i am being short changed.
..The management doesn't seem very enthusiastic about our complaints or suggestions regarding the service here..
In the last few days, we have had no hot water.
If one feels like cleaning themself, and despite what the authorities might think, most people like to do this regularly (and by regularly i mean more than once a week!), you have a few minor obstacles in your way..
The first, you need to get your rambo on and clear the shower/hosing down area of cockroaches.
Big ones. As big as your thumb big.
They tend to breeze out the drain the moment you get naked, and just stand there staring at you, with an almost
"AND WHAT! PRICK!" look on it's little stupid face..
Once that is out the way, its time to attempt to 'wash' yourself..with water that trickles out the shower nob like an old man shooting his load..Apart from this ain't no luke warm old man spunk you're washing yourself with..it's water that is cold enough to enduce a fucking STROKE..As one inmate put it..
"that showers so damn cold it felt like someone was smackin' my balls with a brick"
I know what you're thinking..what would perfectly compliment having no hot water, to make your stay at
Disneyland Manhatton even more special?
How about...drum roll..no toilet paper!! YEHHHHHHH!
..One must share with you, the beautifully serene, magical experience..that is being almost naked,
freezing cold, and being forced to tear up the tshirt you are wearing into small rags, to use to clean
your shitty asshole..
I can tell you straight, that's something that never fails (it happened more than once) to make
you feel like a million bucks, for real.
I can't knock this place to be honest..We get some type of meat every week (i think it's either pheasant or quail, or so they tell me) the staff are always around to answer any questions you might have..but i think there is some kind of
language barrier involved, as most of my questions get the same response, an angry
"SHUT UP AND FUCK OFF"
I'm confused. Perhaps i don't have the lingo down yet?
I mean, i asked some of my fellow inmates for some pointers, and they told me i should just throw the words YO, HOLMES, and 'all these n****rs is bums' into sentances..but that seems to only enrage people, and provoke violence towards me?
I don't know man..maybe i'm just not saying it right.