Wednesday, 8 December 2010


My new cell mate S, is an interesting character.
He;s always on point, knows exactly what the fuck he's talking about, but his eyes are usually half closed and gives the impression that he is heavily sedated.
 Which he is. The man takes more pills than Ebeneezergood on a drum n bass night at Fabric.
As i am EXTREMELY bored, having taken no drugs or alcohol in around two months, i enquire how you get these
little stress relievers..S breaks it down for me.
"Man, they want you to take them. Why not?"
 why not indeed!
First off i try some of S. Fuck knows what it is that he's given me, most people get given one or two pills. He gets about six, each one looking double the size of the normal shit. The effect it has on me is pretty minor, and just makes me feel sleepy.
 If i had paid for this, i got bumped.
At this point of my incarceration, i was not doing so well mentally. I was suffering from serious anxiety, constantly worrying about my case, purely dwelling on the obvious=i am in a fucking federal prison in New York, and was slowly coming to the realisation that i had married THAT annoying broad from the Warriors. You know the one i mean.
 To put it very bluntly, i was looking for some relief/to get high.
Ok, now how do i get prescribed 'da good shit'..
"Timdog, they don't know your medical history, you are English, they will believe anything you say dude"
 Which is true, everyone believes an english accent (apart from the secret service :D )
 S recommends Remron. I think this is an antu-depressant, i never actually found out. If i am wrong, please correct me!
So i go to the psych/doctor. The accent is flowing, and she's buying all the blams up like its sale of the fucking century at blams r us. I tell her my Doctor, a Mr James Bond, who works on breeze lane, just off bullshit avenue, prescribed me Remron in England.
 "That's great news, we actually have Remron in the states" she replies. No shit :D
Two hours later, i'm off to go pickup. A nurse comes into the unit to give out the meds, and more often than not, gets bumrushed by inmates as soon as she opens the door. These guys are beyond Catting. I get my pill, pop it, then go off on my merry way to my cell.
 It didn't work out for the best. I'd never taken an anti-depressant before, nevermind an extremely high dosed one.
I wasn't aware that when you come down, you feel a bzillion times worse than before you took it. When on it, you turn into a complete fucking idiot. You sit there, emotionless, staring at walls. You might be surrounded by people/freinds/inmates/murderers who are talking about something interesting, but instead of joining in with some witty banter, you just sit there and think about what you could say, and then don't say it. You just sit there like a mong.
 Now...the comedown. Fuck me. It was horrendous! It just intensified all the negative emotions i was feeling. Despair, depression, it all increased tenfold. It got so bad at one point i had convinced myself that my adventure in life had cum to a sticky end (urgh!) and i only had one option left at my disposal. I actually got as far as planning how, when and where i would do it. It was extremely selfish of me to even entertain such waste cadet moves, but at the time i felt extremely alone and that i had been forgotten inside this concrete tomb, so far away from my loved ones.
 I decided to stop taking the 'medication' and start dealing with my problems like the strong young Turk my parents raised me to be.
 Quickly, common sense and logic came flooding back.
Plus, if i would've actually gone through with it and failed (all i had to accomplish this was a few shitty disposable razors and a few pain killers) i would've ended up bare butt naked in a padded cell, in a straight jacket. And how am i going to jerk off in a straight jacket?
 I still needed to take SOMEthing though, as i had many obstacles in my way stopping me from getting any sleep.
S snores. FUCKING LOUDLY. An that's just normally, sober. After taking his medication, he is completely sparked out and ten times worse.
 If that wasn't bad enough, S doesn't eat meat. He mostly consumes many many boiled eggs, cheese and cabbage.
The most DISGUSTING farts i have ever smelt in my entire life, bar none. NOTHING compares to this smell. It smells like someone shat in his ass, then he farted it out. One after the other, non stop, completely hotboxing out the whole cell, turning the room into some kind of morbid fart pallace.
 Its so bad, i don't know whether he's farting or snoring. The only way for me to breath is to be in the fetal position, under the cover, with my face pressed against the wall, holding my nose, in an attempt to trick myself into thinking that there is air in the room, instead of the reality that i'm just breathing in pure shit vapour.
 SO. I go back to the doc an get trazadome. Much better! Knocked out in less than half an hour, and gives you the most crazy vivid dreams. It means, for a small part of my day, i am free. I've probably linked up with you in my dreams. But i always get brought straight back to reality in the morning, when my eyes open, i see the bars on the window, and remember thanks to my big turkish nose that i am back in the fart factory. Great.


  1. yeah dont take antidepressants, same thing happened to me, took one and felt like id gone insane for about 24 hours whilst it felt like my eyes had flipped upside down inside my head..not nice!
    hope your alright though. not sure whats actually happened to you but try and stay as positive as humanly possible :) your writings amazing btw and someone i know whos been reading it wants to turn it into a script for a film!
    thinking of you mate xx

  2. haaahahahaha best post ever, hotboxed hardboiled cabbage fart cell! I bet you're glad that one's over with eh?

  3. the annoying broad from the warriors.
    damn, this must be painful!